1
00:00:21,770 --> 00:00:28,979
Good evening. It's good to be back with
you once again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes,

2
00:00:28,980 --> 00:00:32,219
it is. And in a packed programme
tonight, we shall be talking to the well

3
00:00:32,220 --> 00:00:35,539
court photographer who will be showing
us some of the photos he managed to get

4
00:00:35,540 --> 00:00:36,590
before he was caught.

5
00:00:38,460 --> 00:00:45,320
And then, Monsieur Pierre Buffon,
France's most amorous football manager,

6
00:00:45,540 --> 00:00:50,239
will tell us of his club's UFA Cup
progress and why he's always glad to get

7
00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:51,290
first leg over.

8
00:00:55,370 --> 00:00:56,420
But first, the news.

9
00:00:56,630 --> 00:01:00,769
Reports are coming in that Aboriginals
in the remotest part of Sarawak are

10
00:01:00,770 --> 00:01:02,709
having their first taste of
Christianity.

11
00:01:02,710 --> 00:01:04,330
He was the Reverend J .G. Pudlaw.

12
00:01:04,709 --> 00:01:11,490
Bad news, too, for the Gay Lib
Expedition to Borneo.

13
00:01:11,790 --> 00:01:14,980
They have been captured by cannibals and
made into fairy cakes.

14
00:01:19,850 --> 00:01:23,989
Mr. Harry Spelt. who has been buying
businesses all over the country,

15
00:01:23,990 --> 00:01:26,930
today that he now has 39 surgical
appliance shops.

16
00:01:27,230 --> 00:01:30,070
He hopes very soon to make an offer for
Trust House 40.

17
00:01:33,830 --> 00:01:40,129
News from America. Steve Austin, the $6
million man, was found guilty of

18
00:01:40,130 --> 00:01:44,110
speeding in his bionic car just outside
Sacramento last week.

19
00:01:44,470 --> 00:01:48,390
The judge ordered that he be fined $1
,000 and dismantled for three months.

20
00:01:48,391 --> 00:01:54,409
And Solomon F. Potts, America's most
persistent practical joker, was buried

21
00:01:54,410 --> 00:01:57,900
today. He isn't dead, it's just the
neighbours getting their own back.

22
00:01:59,070 --> 00:02:03,269
It was announced in London today that
British Leyland have given up the old

23
00:02:03,270 --> 00:02:04,470
clocking -on system.

24
00:02:05,050 --> 00:02:07,820
Workers will now be invited to sign the
visitor's book.

25
00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,690
And George Mumble...

26
00:02:18,691 --> 00:02:22,899
The Bodmin man who swallowed 200 weight
of cascara for a bet on coronation night

27
00:02:22,900 --> 00:02:25,500
today celebrated his silver jubilee.

28
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:31,380
He has been on the throne for 25 years.

29
00:02:37,900 --> 00:02:42,559
Finally, here is a police message. Will
the man who lost... Eight bottles of

30
00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:46,659
whiskey at Euston Station this morning.
Please go to the lost property office by

31
00:02:46,660 --> 00:02:49,900
Platform 9, where the man who found them
has just been handed in.

32
00:02:52,660 --> 00:02:56,619
But now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie
Corbett, whose wife thinks he's the salt

33
00:02:56,620 --> 00:02:57,139
the earth.

34
00:02:57,140 --> 00:02:59,000
That's why she keeps him in the teller.

35
00:03:00,951 --> 00:03:08,019
Oh, good morning, sir. Good morning. Can
I help you? Yes. Could I have a tin of

36
00:03:08,020 --> 00:03:09,160
elbow grease, please?

37
00:03:10,460 --> 00:03:11,510
Here we are.

38
00:03:11,820 --> 00:03:15,490
A tin of elbow grease. Only we've got a
mark on the wardrobe at home, you see.

39
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:19,279
And I'm trying to get it out, and the
wife suggests I use a bit of elbow

40
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:20,540
on it. No, no, no.

41
00:03:20,541 --> 00:03:23,879
That's just a slang expression, sir.
What? There's no such thing as elbow

42
00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:27,439
grease. No, that's just a way of saying,
put your back into it, you see. Elbow

43
00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:30,719
grease doesn't exist, you see. Of course
it does. No, it doesn't, sir. Look, if

44
00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:33,199
there wasn't such a thing as elbow
grease, would I have come in here and

45
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,279
for elbow grease? What do you take me
for, an idiot?

46
00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:36,330
Yes.

47
00:03:36,331 --> 00:03:39,459
Don't talk like that. I'm the customer.
You go and get me a tin of milk. Look,

48
00:03:39,460 --> 00:03:43,439
I'm sure there's no such thing as elbow
grease. It's just your wife's way of

49
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:45,360
saying, put your back into it, you see.

50
00:03:45,580 --> 00:03:46,630
It doesn't exist.

51
00:03:46,631 --> 00:03:49,479
If it meant put your back into it, it
would be called back grease, not elbow

52
00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:50,519
grease.

53
00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:55,000
Back grease, elbow grease, there's no
such thing, sir, if it's just a saying.

54
00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:59,179
Ah, I know that. I know that, really.
Well, why do you come in and ask for it

55
00:03:59,180 --> 00:04:00,199
then, sir?

56
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:05,480
Well, I was just plucking up courage to
come in and ask you if you've, um...

57
00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:19,059
If you've got any packets of... What?
What? If you've got any packets

58
00:04:19,060 --> 00:04:24,860
of... What? What? Packets of what?

59
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:29,520
Things. Things. What? Any packets of
things.

60
00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:32,880
You know. Things? You know.

61
00:04:33,620 --> 00:04:34,670
Things.

62
00:04:38,780 --> 00:04:40,100
What things? What things?

63
00:04:41,140 --> 00:04:42,190
Well, you know.

64
00:04:46,190 --> 00:04:50,409
Things. Look, sir, I've got hundreds of
packets in this shop, and they're all

65
00:04:50,410 --> 00:04:51,460
full of things.

66
00:04:54,390 --> 00:04:59,910
I don't... No, I don't mean things like
that. I mean things like that.

67
00:05:03,550 --> 00:05:04,810
Yes, yes.

68
00:05:06,030 --> 00:05:07,830
I'll tell you what I'll do.

69
00:05:07,831 --> 00:05:13,059
I'll put the money on the counter and
I'll turn round and stand as though I'm

70
00:05:13,060 --> 00:05:17,439
waiting to meet somebody and you slip
the things in my pocket and then no one

71
00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:18,490
will know.

72
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:20,210
OK.

73
00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:26,730
OK,

74
00:05:34,180 --> 00:05:36,170
you can turn round now, so it's all
over.

75
00:05:37,060 --> 00:05:39,830
It's exciting, wasn't it? Like James
Bond, wasn't it?

76
00:05:39,831 --> 00:05:42,679
Well, where's my change? Could I have my
change?

77
00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:43,760
Change? What change?

78
00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:48,450
The change for the things you've just
sold me. I haven't sold you anything,

79
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:52,160
I don't know what you're talking about.
You've just done me out of a fiver.

80
00:05:52,161 --> 00:05:55,769
No, I haven't sold you anything, sir. I
really... If you don't want to buy

81
00:05:55,770 --> 00:05:57,729
anything, would you mind leaving the
shop, sir, please?

82
00:05:57,730 --> 00:06:00,409
All right, I shall take my custom
somewhere else. But think of the

83
00:06:00,410 --> 00:06:03,169
you'll lose when I go down with a nasty
attack of the flu.

84
00:06:03,170 --> 00:06:06,829
I'll survive, sir. Are you... Just a
minute. Are you going back to the wife?

85
00:06:06,830 --> 00:06:08,030
you with the... Are you? Yes.

86
00:06:09,010 --> 00:06:10,060
Here, catch.

87
00:06:10,061 --> 00:06:11,349
What's this?

88
00:06:11,350 --> 00:06:13,340
Elbow grease. Put your back into it. Go
on.

89
00:06:18,271 --> 00:06:25,659
I'm speaking to you tonight from the
Department of Ballots and Elections.

90
00:06:25,660 --> 00:06:29,439
Two words to be remembered, but not
necessarily to be shouted out in Chinese

91
00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:30,490
restaurants.

92
00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:35,440
Now, we at the Department have an
entirely new scheme for improving

93
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:36,940
We're going to abolish it.

94
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:42,099
But how will we run the country? Well,
in the next nine months, each of you

95
00:06:42,100 --> 00:06:45,679
be having one of these, which might be a
little disappointing to expect in

96
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:46,730
mothers.

97
00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:48,650
Just a joke.

98
00:06:48,651 --> 00:06:50,999
There'll be another one later, so watch
out.

99
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,579
Now, armed with these buttons, you will
be able to behave exactly as if you were

100
00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:57,470
a Member of Parliament. Now, you press
this button for yes.

101
00:06:58,900 --> 00:07:03,500
You press this one for no thank you, but
it was very kind of you to offer.

102
00:07:03,501 --> 00:07:10,339
If you press this one, you can't make up
your mind, you simply press this one

103
00:07:10,340 --> 00:07:11,940
and you get your finger.

104
00:07:11,941 --> 00:07:19,089
regional differences. Of course, those
of you in Scotland, you'll get one of

105
00:07:19,090 --> 00:07:20,140
these.

106
00:07:24,230 --> 00:07:28,249
The buttons, of course, the buttons, of
course, will be Ochai, Hootsmon and

107
00:07:28,250 --> 00:07:29,300
Ardynakin.

108
00:07:30,930 --> 00:07:32,250
And here is the Welsh model.

109
00:07:35,310 --> 00:07:37,900
It's got no buttons, but who cares what
they think?

110
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:50,459
Now, you, the voter, will have to say
yes or no to such questions as should we

111
00:07:50,460 --> 00:07:54,499
return to free collective bargaining or
tight trousers, do they erode our

112
00:07:54,500 --> 00:07:55,550
differentials?

113
00:07:56,220 --> 00:08:01,019
Now, all your buttons are connected
directly to our machinery here, so don't

114
00:08:01,020 --> 00:08:02,220
turn around too quickly.

115
00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:04,580
That is the other joke.

116
00:08:06,460 --> 00:08:07,510
No, seriously.

117
00:08:08,100 --> 00:08:11,590
Seriously, this centre here is packed
with sophisticated hardware.

118
00:08:11,870 --> 00:08:16,429
Here, for instance, is a chap that
speaks 11 languages. Now, how will you

119
00:08:16,430 --> 00:08:20,629
when to vote? Well, you will be informed
by television, and so as not to spoil

120
00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:24,249
your normal viewing, the questions will
be cunningly inserted into your

121
00:08:24,250 --> 00:08:26,900
favourite programme, such as when the
vote comes in.

122
00:08:27,750 --> 00:08:31,929
When someone turns to the camera and
says, What about the motor show about

123
00:08:31,930 --> 00:08:32,980
we do?

124
00:08:39,340 --> 00:08:41,990
you're tuned into the Pakistani
programme, I think.

125
00:08:42,539 --> 00:08:46,819
Now, when the voting starts, we at the
centre will wait 10 seconds for those of

126
00:08:46,820 --> 00:08:50,859
you who can't find your buttons, and
another 20 seconds for those who can't

127
00:08:50,860 --> 00:08:54,220
their fingers, and then we will get a
sound like this.

128
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:03,230
Especially if we had the prune curry at
the Chinese restaurant.

129
00:09:03,231 --> 00:09:09,139
my instrument panel here, and I see that
we're waiting for the rural vote from

130
00:09:09,140 --> 00:09:10,190
Somerset.

131
00:09:11,220 --> 00:09:14,920
Thank you, Gaffer. Any more? There was
one here.

132
00:09:17,260 --> 00:09:18,310
That's my doctor.

133
00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:23,090
Ah, that flash is from the Noise
Abatement Society.

134
00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:29,180
Now, this only leaves the hairdresser's
vote from Mincing Lane.

135
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:34,240
Thank you, sweetie. So there you have
it.

136
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:39,819
Right. Now, how will people vote? Well,
our research suggests that it will be

137
00:09:39,820 --> 00:09:44,680
yes, 39%, no, 33%, and rump at 98p a
pound.

138
00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:49,720
But if you're not sure, toss a coin. Or
in Scotland, toss a caber.

139
00:09:49,980 --> 00:09:54,339
Now, this map here shows the English
counties coloured either red or blue

140
00:09:54,340 --> 00:09:58,919
according to party. Now, this mauve
colour shows that the Scots can swing

141
00:09:58,920 --> 00:09:59,970
way.

142
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,400
And that is a great advantage of wearing
a kilt.

143
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:05,890
Scottish vote.

144
00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:09,060
Are mumps dangerous? They voted no,
except in the Gaubles.

145
00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:15,499
Now, everyone else, as you see, is red
and blue, except the Liberals, who, as

146
00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:17,220
you see, have rock all.

147
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:26,920
Oddly enough, we have found that 11 % of
English counties end in sex.

148
00:10:27,530 --> 00:10:31,020
Which is exactly the same as 34 % of
evenings spent with Miss Clampett

149
00:10:31,021 --> 00:10:34,829
Which reminds me, many people have come
to me and said, where shall I put my

150
00:10:34,830 --> 00:10:38,440
buttons? And I've made various
suggestions, but there can be problems.

151
00:10:38,570 --> 00:10:42,689
Last night, Miss Clampett and myself
were having a long, hard debriefing

152
00:10:42,690 --> 00:10:46,789
session, and her panel of buttons had
been left rather foolishly in the middle

153
00:10:46,790 --> 00:10:47,489
of the rug.

154
00:10:47,490 --> 00:10:51,469
In the course of the evening, I voted 23
times against the Highways, Byways and

155
00:10:51,470 --> 00:10:52,520
Flyovers Bill.

156
00:10:52,790 --> 00:10:54,990
Not bad for a man who's seen four
jubilees.

157
00:10:56,980 --> 00:11:00,720
There you have it. But remember our
slogan, hippity hop, buttons on top.

158
00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:03,970
That's not just a better ending for
Cinderella.

159
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:14,019
If you have any problems at all, do
write to

160
00:11:14,020 --> 00:11:16,959
me and I shall send you an official
government naughty photograph of Miss

161
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:19,910
Clampett with, of course, a covering
letter like this one.

162
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:26,879
to pick up your buzzers wherever you
are, and if you like the scheme, give me

163
00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:27,930
vote of confidence.

164
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:32,440
Still buzzers. Good night.

165
00:11:58,980 --> 00:12:02,939
Iggy and Charlie, investigating the mass
murders of yokels from the remote

166
00:12:02,940 --> 00:12:07,700
village of Drake's Bottom, meet up with
a wild gypsy girl called Lucy Lee.

167
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:10,560
You've got a lucky face.

168
00:12:11,220 --> 00:12:18,219
She warns them to keep away from the
graveyard where, she says, strange

169
00:12:18,220 --> 00:12:19,270
-on go on.

170
00:12:19,271 --> 00:12:23,699
Charlie, however, has invented a device
to put the wind up any false apparition

171
00:12:23,700 --> 00:12:25,620
who's caught creeping about the crypt.

172
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:35,599
Palmer continues to play host to his
paying guests, showing them his

173
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:36,780
of interesting curios.

174
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:44,500
While his wife looks on, aching to show
them a few curios of her own.

175
00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:48,690
Candle snuffer.

176
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:52,960
That's been in the family for
generations.

177
00:12:53,580 --> 00:12:55,580
Oh, I like silver.

178
00:12:57,620 --> 00:13:00,260
There'll be an old country scene in
these parts.

179
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:04,300
Copper doth tarnish, brass it doth rub.

180
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:10,479
Pewter doth make a house look like a
pub. But if you've got silver, no matter

181
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:15,160
how old, you've always got something
that's not made of gold.

182
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,120
Makes sense, doesn't it?

183
00:13:18,980 --> 00:13:20,300
As far as it goes, yeah.

184
00:13:20,301 --> 00:13:23,679
My great -grandfather had one of these,
yeah.

185
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:26,980
I shall never forget it. It was lying by
his bed as he was dying.

186
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:32,739
He raised his head and he opened his
eyes and said, the candle of my life is

187
00:13:32,740 --> 00:13:36,399
going out. He said, and he picked this
up, leaned over towards the candle and

188
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:37,450
snuffed it.

189
00:13:40,180 --> 00:13:41,500
Yeah, then what happened?

190
00:13:41,820 --> 00:13:44,110
Well, they buried him, that's what
happened.

191
00:13:45,340 --> 00:13:46,480
Oh, he was dead, was he?

192
00:13:47,980 --> 00:13:50,870
You don't bury people unless they're
dead, not employed.

193
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:55,010
What's that?

194
00:13:56,151 --> 00:13:58,239
That's old.

195
00:13:58,240 --> 00:13:59,720
That's very old.

196
00:13:59,721 --> 00:14:02,339
That's one of the oldest things I've got
here.

197
00:14:02,340 --> 00:14:05,739
I suppose that's been in your family for
generations and all, is it? No.

198
00:14:05,740 --> 00:14:06,790
Got it last week.

199
00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:11,779
Where? Found it. In the grounds of the
manor house. They get them to catch

200
00:14:11,780 --> 00:14:14,000
poachers. They be all over the place.

201
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:17,090
Dare say they could give you a nasty
nip?

202
00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:18,480
Oh, terrible.

203
00:14:19,660 --> 00:14:21,820
They set some in twos and threes.

204
00:14:22,260 --> 00:14:26,220
A young couple sat down on a pair of
these in the woods last year.

205
00:14:26,859 --> 00:14:27,909
Clang!

206
00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:29,530
Terrible!

207
00:14:31,060 --> 00:14:33,700
They were still locked together when we
found them.

208
00:14:34,860 --> 00:14:36,540
Is there terrible consequences?

209
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:39,460
Oh, not half. He had to marry her.

210
00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:42,320
Why are they there?

211
00:14:42,900 --> 00:14:45,520
Lord of the Manor don't like visitors.

212
00:14:46,420 --> 00:14:49,120
Nobody's allowed in the house, not
tradesmen even.

213
00:14:50,460 --> 00:14:54,780
Oh, he's a dark horse, his lordship. A
very dark horse.

214
00:14:55,950 --> 00:14:57,890
And I speak as one who knows.

215
00:14:58,310 --> 00:15:00,510
How? I used to be a jockey.

216
00:15:04,790 --> 00:15:07,090
Do you think he's up to anything, the
farmer?

217
00:15:07,570 --> 00:15:08,620
Well, he is a bit odd.

218
00:15:09,330 --> 00:15:12,170
I used to be a jockey. What does that
mean?

219
00:15:12,550 --> 00:15:14,900
That's silly, isn't it? That's a silly
remark.

220
00:15:15,150 --> 00:15:16,230
I could have said that.

221
00:15:16,490 --> 00:15:17,870
Well, I'd have believed you.

222
00:15:19,730 --> 00:15:22,310
I think the manor house needs
investigating.

223
00:15:22,510 --> 00:15:23,590
The sooner the better.

224
00:15:23,591 --> 00:15:26,749
Don't forget we're ghost hunting
tonight. Let's get that over with first.

225
00:15:26,750 --> 00:15:28,070
Oh, certainly, certainly.

226
00:15:28,071 --> 00:15:29,369
She's

227
00:15:29,370 --> 00:15:36,209
still

228
00:15:36,210 --> 00:15:37,260
got her eye on us.

229
00:15:38,210 --> 00:15:39,650
She's still got her eye on you.

230
00:15:40,170 --> 00:15:41,550
Has had since we arrived.

231
00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:45,150
What exactly is she covering up?

232
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:53,880
It's pretty terrifying.

233
00:15:59,220 --> 00:16:01,510
Remember, that's only the tip of the
iceberg.

234
00:16:25,301 --> 00:16:32,469
Fixed it up so that the arc light goes
on the moment somebody steps on the

235
00:16:32,470 --> 00:16:34,090
plank. Then we can see the culprit.

236
00:16:34,650 --> 00:16:35,700
Just hang this there.

237
00:16:36,210 --> 00:16:37,570
Thank you. You are an angel.

238
00:16:39,830 --> 00:16:43,010
Do you reckon the farmer knows what
we're up to?

239
00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:45,630
Oh, no, he's safely tucked up in bed by
now.

240
00:16:45,870 --> 00:16:48,110
I wish I was. With that great big wharf
of his.

241
00:16:50,370 --> 00:16:52,900
Yes, on second thoughts, I'm better off
where I am.

242
00:17:10,890 --> 00:17:11,940
What the damn thing?

243
00:17:13,770 --> 00:17:17,260
Don't tell me I've got to go all the way
down to the bottom of the garden.

244
00:18:54,981 --> 00:18:59,209
Everyone's through here tonight, ain't
we? Eh?

245
00:18:59,210 --> 00:19:01,010
The vicar over the charge of mission.

246
00:19:02,170 --> 00:19:03,530
Gee, what's that?

247
00:19:07,701 --> 00:19:09,109
Who

248
00:19:09,110 --> 00:19:24,189
is

249
00:19:24,190 --> 00:19:26,170
the mysterious occupant of the coffin?

250
00:19:26,250 --> 00:19:30,189
Why was Farmer Green wandering around in
his nightshirt? When he gets home

251
00:19:30,190 --> 00:19:32,360
without it, will his wife be glad or
sorry?

252
00:19:35,130 --> 00:19:38,510
Don't miss next week's exciting episode
of Stop!

253
00:19:39,150 --> 00:19:40,410
You're killing me!

254
00:19:52,750 --> 00:19:53,950
Anybody sitting here?

255
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:57,670
Well, if they are, they're very, very
small.

256
00:19:58,980 --> 00:20:00,800
No offence. No, not at all.

257
00:20:00,801 --> 00:20:05,819
Oh, dear. It's silly. We all say it,
don't we? We point at an empty place and

258
00:20:05,820 --> 00:20:08,290
say, is there anybody sitting there?
Yes, I know.

259
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,440
Could I have a look at the menu, please?

260
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:11,690
Thank you.

261
00:20:11,740 --> 00:20:12,790
Thank you very much.

262
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:15,530
Steak and kidney pie.

263
00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:17,750
Sticken steak.

264
00:20:18,020 --> 00:20:19,070
Bubbling steak.

265
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:20,530
Even hand pie.

266
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:23,920
What do you recommend?

267
00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:26,190
Dinner's finished, sir.

268
00:20:29,170 --> 00:20:32,050
I'm rather looking forward to that.

269
00:20:32,670 --> 00:20:35,440
Well, I'll just have some coffee and
biscuits, please.

270
00:20:35,570 --> 00:20:36,620
Right, sir.

271
00:20:37,170 --> 00:20:39,210
Oh, my God. Oh, dear, dear, dear.

272
00:20:39,490 --> 00:20:40,540
Oh, dear.

273
00:20:45,890 --> 00:20:49,650
Excuse me, it's the other shoulder.
Pardon?

274
00:20:50,030 --> 00:20:52,650
You threw it over your left shoulder.
Oh, sorry.

275
00:20:58,860 --> 00:21:00,970
Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I didn't... I'm
sorry.

276
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,140
Not your day, is it?

277
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:05,580
No, you can say that again.

278
00:21:06,060 --> 00:21:08,170
Got out of bed the wrong side this
morning.

279
00:21:09,460 --> 00:21:11,020
Went to work in the wife's shoes.

280
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:13,930
Oh, no, I didn't.

281
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:17,130
No, I didn't. That's only a little
saying.

282
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:18,370
It's funny, though.

283
00:21:18,380 --> 00:21:22,359
I ought to have known. My horoscope said
it wasn't going to be an easy day for

284
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:23,440
me. Oh, really?

285
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,480
Oh, that Madame Zodiac.

286
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:27,620
Oh, wonderful in the mail. Wonderful.

287
00:21:27,621 --> 00:21:32,189
I accept greatly the story. By the way,
I mean, it's not all too fair amount of

288
00:21:32,190 --> 00:21:34,470
rubbish is talked. Oh, far from it.

289
00:21:34,750 --> 00:21:36,010
Really? Oh, yes.

290
00:21:36,250 --> 00:21:38,130
You believe in it? Oh, implicitly.

291
00:21:39,770 --> 00:21:40,970
I'm Madame Zodiac.

292
00:21:41,341 --> 00:21:43,249
You're not.

293
00:21:43,250 --> 00:21:44,300
Yes, I am, yes.

294
00:21:44,930 --> 00:21:46,310
And I've been looking at you.

295
00:21:46,830 --> 00:21:48,230
I know what you are.

296
00:21:55,081 --> 00:22:00,749
under the sign of the crab, weren't you?
Yes, you're right.

297
00:22:00,750 --> 00:22:02,310
Tell me, when is your birthday?

298
00:22:02,390 --> 00:22:03,490
The 1st of July.

299
00:22:03,970 --> 00:22:05,020
1st of July.

300
00:22:05,130 --> 00:22:06,180
Oh, let me see now.

301
00:22:06,181 --> 00:22:10,009
Oh, well, you see, it's a very bad time
for you, this. You see, you are a lunar

302
00:22:10,010 --> 00:22:15,129
person, aren't you? Am I? Oh, yes, yes.
What time of day were you born? I think

303
00:22:15,130 --> 00:22:18,649
just about after breakfast time, I
think. Oh, well, with the moon in its

304
00:22:18,650 --> 00:22:21,049
position, you really shouldn't have come
out today at all. Well, I didn't

305
00:22:21,050 --> 00:22:22,550
realise the moon was out at all.

306
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:31,860
I certainly, certainly did it there,
didn't I?

307
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:34,940
When's your wife's birthday?

308
00:22:35,260 --> 00:22:37,370
My wife's birthday is the 1st of
November.

309
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:39,320
Ah, now she's on the cusp.

310
00:22:39,620 --> 00:22:42,210
Well, she has been going a funny color
now and again.

311
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:44,530
Look at that.

312
00:22:44,531 --> 00:22:48,859
What a terrible mess. Well, it was
destined, wasn't it? Destined.

313
00:22:48,860 --> 00:22:51,499
Yes, it's not like me to make a mess
like that, I can assure you. And he's

314
00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:54,399
forgotten the biscuits. He's not brought
the biscuits. Ah, well, he would. You

315
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:55,339
see, he's Leo.

316
00:22:55,340 --> 00:22:58,410
Oh, I didn't realise. I say Leo. Could
you bring me the biscuit?

317
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:02,040
No, no, no. He's a Leo sign.

318
00:23:02,041 --> 00:23:05,179
Oh, well, what difference does that make
to the biscuit? No, it doesn't affect

319
00:23:05,180 --> 00:23:06,939
the biscuits. It just affects him
somewhat.

320
00:23:06,940 --> 00:23:10,490
Oh, I see. You can tell what sign people
are by looking at them. Oh, yes. Oh,

321
00:23:10,491 --> 00:23:13,979
yes. Now, that woman you bumped into
just now, I should think you'd be fairly

322
00:23:13,980 --> 00:23:15,660
safe in saying that she was a Virgo.

323
00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:20,579
You'd have to take my word for it
because you can't very well ask her, can

324
00:23:20,580 --> 00:23:21,630
No, no.

325
00:23:21,860 --> 00:23:25,490
Now, as for that chap sitting over
there... Now, he is definitely Pisces.

326
00:23:26,410 --> 00:23:28,730
I can tell that myself, yeah.

327
00:23:32,330 --> 00:23:37,029
I wonder if I could have some of your
coffee, could I? By all means. No, no,

328
00:23:37,030 --> 00:23:37,909
please, please, please.

329
00:23:37,910 --> 00:23:41,100
With Jupiter in Saturn, I think it's
much safer if I do it myself.

330
00:23:41,250 --> 00:23:44,080
Don't you? Yes, I shall sit here
absolutely motionless.

331
00:23:51,281 --> 00:23:55,019
I'm going through rather a nasty period.

332
00:23:55,020 --> 00:23:57,260
It's all right until you came in, sir.

333
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:03,739
It's just like I told you. It's all
destined, you see, all destined. You

334
00:24:03,740 --> 00:24:05,319
should have stayed at home today.

335
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:08,459
You should have locked yourself in your
bedroom for three days, you know. I

336
00:24:08,460 --> 00:24:12,859
shall remain here motionless. I shan't
move a muscle. I shall sit like this

337
00:24:12,860 --> 00:24:14,360
until we get to Torquay.

338
00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:16,520
You're going to sit there a long time.

339
00:24:16,700 --> 00:24:18,320
This train's going to Edinburgh.

340
00:24:32,561 --> 00:24:38,709
blocking off the road. Squad cars are
blocking off all the roads. Police

341
00:24:38,710 --> 00:24:41,189
marksmen all in position. Police
marksmen all in position.

342
00:24:41,190 --> 00:24:44,309
You've got the tear gas ready in case
the swine tries to barricade himself in.

343
00:24:44,310 --> 00:24:47,629
I've got the tear gas ready in case the
swine tries to barricade himself in.

344
00:24:47,630 --> 00:24:49,390
All right, Machine Gun Joe.

345
00:24:50,150 --> 00:24:51,770
Come on out to places surrounded.

346
00:24:59,150 --> 00:25:00,890
Perhaps he's watching Crossroads.

347
00:25:02,270 --> 00:25:03,320
It's not on yet.

348
00:25:04,149 --> 00:25:06,069
Anyway, he's a sadist, not a masochist.

349
00:25:06,070 --> 00:25:10,729
All right, Machine Gun Joe, come on, we
don't like being kept waiting.

350
00:25:10,730 --> 00:25:11,780
We're the Sweeney.

351
00:25:12,670 --> 00:25:14,230
All except him, he's the Weenie.

352
00:25:15,041 --> 00:25:22,649
All right, lady, where's Machine Gun Joe
Machete, the murdering cutthroat?

353
00:25:22,650 --> 00:25:24,880
He's taking the kids to Brighton for the
day.

354
00:25:27,390 --> 00:25:28,850
Taking the kids to Brighton?

355
00:25:29,210 --> 00:25:30,260
Yeah.

356
00:25:30,790 --> 00:25:32,290
Do you want to leave a message?

357
00:25:36,179 --> 00:25:40,699
Yeah, yes, just tell him that Chief
Superintendent Buzzard and the heavy

358
00:25:40,700 --> 00:25:45,959
from the Sweeney came round and... And
we'll... Well, we'll come round again

359
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:47,040
tomorrow night, then.

360
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:49,570
Yeah, OK.

361
00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:53,640
Well, what do we do now?

362
00:25:55,740 --> 00:25:59,080
Well, um... Oh, I know, I know.

363
00:25:59,420 --> 00:26:02,010
Can we all come inside and watch the
Nolan sisters?

364
00:28:09,390 --> 00:28:14,729
This is a story about a musician who
goes into a pawnbroker's every week and

365
00:28:14,730 --> 00:28:16,130
pawns his violin.

366
00:28:16,350 --> 00:28:21,449
Which, if I may digress for a moment, is
rather a coincidence because only this

367
00:28:21,450 --> 00:28:26,649
morning I was talking to a reporter from
the paper that's serialising my

368
00:28:26,650 --> 00:28:29,710
sensational, unexpurgated life story.

369
00:28:31,310 --> 00:28:34,110
The North Pipeshire Foundryman's
Gazette.

370
00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:38,520
Which I expect you've all been reading.

371
00:28:38,521 --> 00:28:42,499
No, actually, to be honest, I sent my
story to the Daily Mirror, you know, in

372
00:28:42,500 --> 00:28:43,199
the first place.

373
00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:46,510
All I got was a letter from Marjorie
Proops telling me not to worry.

374
00:28:49,120 --> 00:28:54,740
I was telling this reporter that I have
never had a violin lesson in my life,

375
00:28:54,741 --> 00:28:58,479
you know, which probably accounts for
the fact that I can't play the violin.

376
00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:02,179
Now, the reason I mentioned that at all
was... So that the credit for any

377
00:29:02,180 --> 00:29:08,959
musical terms, you know, in the joke
that I might use, such as note or play

378
00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:15,719
or a quick burst from the How's Your
Father or any of the credit for those

379
00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:20,920
go to our musical director, Ronnie
Hazlehurst, himself a very talented

380
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:23,020
Or so he tells me.

381
00:29:25,230 --> 00:29:29,110
I would actually ask for a round of
applause for him, but he'd never hear

382
00:29:29,150 --> 00:29:30,830
You know, he's as deaf as a postman.

383
00:29:31,410 --> 00:29:37,030
You might have seen him about. He
carries the BBC economy hearing aid, you

384
00:29:37,690 --> 00:29:40,230
It's a piece of card with speak up
written on it.

385
00:29:42,430 --> 00:29:45,500
Good heavens, he must know where the
body's buried all right.

386
00:29:45,790 --> 00:29:49,510
Actually, he's very lucky to have such a
dedicated bunch of musicians.

387
00:29:49,790 --> 00:29:53,630
Do you know that they rehearse all day
until eight o 'clock?

388
00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:56,790
then they don't touch another drop until
after the show.

389
00:29:58,200 --> 00:30:02,839
I've often thought it would be great to
have some musical ability, and I expect

390
00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:03,920
some of they do as well.

391
00:30:05,560 --> 00:30:10,360
I can remember when I was a child, after
dinner in the evening, winter evenings,

392
00:30:10,540 --> 00:30:14,899
the whole family used to gather round
the old piano in the front room. Just

393
00:30:14,900 --> 00:30:17,070
gather and stand round the piano like
that.

394
00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:24,700
wishing that one of us could play it.

395
00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:31,820
As a matter of fact, the only musical
member of my family was my grandfather,

396
00:30:32,100 --> 00:30:36,519
who used to play the comb and paper, you
know, until he became the first person

397
00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:38,080
ever to get dandruff of the gums.

398
00:30:40,100 --> 00:30:42,270
It was a little bit embarrassing, you
know.

399
00:30:42,400 --> 00:30:45,530
Every time he coughed, it was like being
caught in a snowstorm.

400
00:30:46,220 --> 00:30:49,500
Eventually, they cured him with the new
wonder drug.

401
00:30:50,460 --> 00:30:54,619
which had rather unexpected side
effects, and his picture was on page

402
00:30:54,620 --> 00:30:55,670
the Sun last night.

403
00:30:56,360 --> 00:31:00,400
I'll tell you how I came by this story
about the chap with the violin.

404
00:31:00,620 --> 00:31:05,079
I happened to pop into the pub next door
to get a jug of stout for Esther

405
00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:06,130
Ransom.

406
00:31:09,660 --> 00:31:13,940
And Ronnie Hazlehurst was in there, you
know, having a chat with the hat stand.

407
00:31:18,060 --> 00:31:19,560
He doesn't see too well either.

408
00:31:21,580 --> 00:31:22,960
Come to that, neither did I.

409
00:31:23,700 --> 00:31:25,720
It was me that bought them both a drink.

410
00:31:29,320 --> 00:31:34,239
He said, Ron, I've got a great story you
could tell in the old chair tonight. He

411
00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:37,839
said... It's a goodie, he said, a real
goodie, he said. They won't have to

412
00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:39,700
smuggle you out the side door tonight.

413
00:31:40,780 --> 00:31:43,190
Great loss to the diplomatic corps when
he left.

414
00:31:44,180 --> 00:31:48,700
The one thing about Ronnie H, that's
what we call him, Ronnie H.

415
00:31:49,820 --> 00:31:53,300
Ronnie H, the one thing, he can tell a
good story.

416
00:31:53,540 --> 00:31:58,139
I have never forgotten the one he told
me about when he auditioned a couple of

417
00:31:58,140 --> 00:32:01,870
violinists, you know, because he had,
you know, a vacancy for a violinist.

418
00:32:02,380 --> 00:32:05,450
If you ask me, he's got a vacancy for an
orchestra, but anyway.

419
00:32:06,500 --> 00:32:11,160
Who's going to tell him? Anyway, do you
realise that as an occasional singer,

420
00:32:11,300 --> 00:32:14,010
I'm sitting here committing professional
suicide?

421
00:32:14,011 --> 00:32:16,759
There'll be notes coming out of that
band room that you would frighten Mick

422
00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:17,810
Jagger.

423
00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:22,500
Now, when the two violinists turned up
for the audition, one was a young man,

424
00:32:22,660 --> 00:32:27,560
you know, very well -dressed, good suit,
tie pin, tie, digital cufflinks.

425
00:32:29,050 --> 00:32:30,790
A touch of Bristol cream on the hair.

426
00:32:31,450 --> 00:32:34,270
And his violin in a brand new imitation
case.

427
00:32:34,630 --> 00:32:38,909
The other was a ragged old man,
unshaven, dirty, smelling of booze, and

428
00:32:38,910 --> 00:32:40,889
violin was all wrapped up in old
newspapers.

429
00:32:40,890 --> 00:32:43,649
And the band leader said, he said, I
called the young man up, and he took out

430
00:32:43,650 --> 00:32:46,390
his violin, and he played, and it was
terrible.

431
00:32:46,391 --> 00:32:50,369
And the other one said, he said, me
neither, said the old chap. So the old

432
00:32:50,370 --> 00:32:55,130
came up, unwrapped his violin with
loving care, and he put it under his

433
00:32:55,230 --> 00:32:58,060
you know, and he was a damn sight worse
than the other one.

434
00:33:01,180 --> 00:33:05,320
Which fortunately reminds me of a joke.

435
00:33:05,620 --> 00:33:10,880
Apparently this musician goes into his
local pawn shop every Friday.

436
00:33:10,881 --> 00:33:14,919
and he pawns his violin for a couple of
pounds and redeems it every Monday. So

437
00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:18,659
one day, a violin expert happens to be
in the pawn shop, and he said to the

438
00:33:18,660 --> 00:33:21,379
owner of the establishment, he said,
good heavens, he said, and bless my

439
00:33:21,380 --> 00:33:26,359
he said, the violin that that man just
pawned for two quid is a rare, genuine

440
00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:27,700
Harley Davidson.

441
00:33:30,610 --> 00:33:33,850
He said it's worth no less than 80 ,000
pounds.

442
00:33:35,070 --> 00:33:39,129
When the musician comes back to redeem
his instrument, the form broker has an

443
00:33:39,130 --> 00:33:41,300
idea, you see, to make himself a few
pounds.

444
00:33:41,301 --> 00:33:45,009
So he said to the chap, he said, excuse
me saying this, but obviously fate has

445
00:33:45,010 --> 00:33:47,549
not been very kind to you. You wouldn't
be in here at the hawk shop every week.

446
00:33:47,550 --> 00:33:50,369
Why don't you let me give you a few quid
for the old violin, give you a chance

447
00:33:50,370 --> 00:33:51,209
of getting a fee?

448
00:33:51,210 --> 00:33:53,229
What do you say? I'll give you 25 quid
for it.

449
00:33:53,230 --> 00:33:55,749
Oh, and I said, I couldn't. Oh, thank
you very much, I couldn't do that. What

450
00:33:55,750 --> 00:33:56,629
about 35?

451
00:33:56,630 --> 00:33:58,629
He said, oh, no, he said, I couldn't do
that.

452
00:33:58,630 --> 00:33:59,609
45, he said.

453
00:33:59,610 --> 00:34:03,930
Oh, fellas, how much would you take for
it? The chap says 80 ,000 pounds.

454
00:34:46,859 --> 00:34:49,659
Thank you.

455
00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:06,680
Can't afford to keep us fed.

456
00:35:06,880 --> 00:35:09,600
We got a butter mountain, but we got no
bread.

457
00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:19,019
Long time ago, when bread was great,
plenty of food upon our plate. What's

458
00:35:19,020 --> 00:35:21,300
cost of living now? Don't make sense.

459
00:35:21,680 --> 00:35:27,240
Two pennants of chips cost 25 pence. The
government, they've loaded the pound.

460
00:35:27,440 --> 00:35:33,439
They are bloated up, there's no more
around They decimalized our currency Now

461
00:35:33,440 --> 00:35:39,919
it's in for a penny and out for a fee My
island in the red Into the

462
00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:46,299
market stood for lead Can't afford to
keep us fed We got a water mountain but

463
00:35:46,300 --> 00:35:47,350
got no bread

464
00:35:58,640 --> 00:36:05,219
Long time ago when Britain was great
Before the cash evaporated Income tax at

465
00:36:05,220 --> 00:36:10,799
seven pence was very cheap Now seven
pence is all they let you keep Can't

466
00:36:10,800 --> 00:36:16,479
beer and can't afford bread Can't afford
clothes so we stay in bed But you let

467
00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:23,419
me play, it's important Thank the Lord
that I can't touch that I am in

468
00:36:23,420 --> 00:36:26,920
a red You know the market's stone
-colded

469
00:36:27,710 --> 00:36:29,830
Can't afford to keep us fed.

470
00:36:30,070 --> 00:36:32,550
We got a butter mountain, but we got no
bread.

471
00:36:32,910 --> 00:36:35,390
We got a butter mountain, but we got no
bread.

472
00:36:41,750 --> 00:36:42,800
She's tall.

473
00:36:45,830 --> 00:36:47,670
Black as a cinder.

474
00:36:47,970 --> 00:36:49,450
High as a wall.

475
00:36:50,290 --> 00:36:51,610
Skinny and bony.

476
00:36:51,990 --> 00:36:53,470
Sleek as a pony.

477
00:36:53,930 --> 00:36:55,390
Sweet as a rose.

478
00:36:57,450 --> 00:37:03,510
They call her Linda. When she's in bed,
her feet stick out the window.

479
00:37:03,730 --> 00:37:10,649
So it's said, and folks is rushing to
hang their washing on her

480
00:37:10,650 --> 00:37:11,700
toes.

481
00:37:12,730 --> 00:37:18,850
You must believe me and believe in
proof.

482
00:37:20,550 --> 00:37:26,510
Oh, when she sees me, she does hit zero.

483
00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:36,620
One day I pinned her against the wall.

484
00:37:36,900 --> 00:37:42,060
But sad to say, man, she walked away,
man, over my head.

485
00:38:00,140 --> 00:38:02,160
They call her Linda.

486
00:38:02,380 --> 00:38:07,640
And I fear that if you skin her, she
disappear.

487
00:38:08,000 --> 00:38:13,580
But I won't try it. I can't deny it. I
love her so.

488
00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:19,320
I'll marry Linda when I can.

489
00:38:19,560 --> 00:38:23,240
Cause she thinks that I'm a clever man.

490
00:38:23,480 --> 00:38:25,160
She may be skinny.

491
00:38:26,360 --> 00:38:29,200
But he's the teacups, girl, I know.

492
00:38:30,971 --> 00:38:32,519
Now,

493
00:38:32,520 --> 00:38:42,959
here's

494
00:38:42,960 --> 00:38:46,759
a medley of titles that you all know.
We're not going to sing the songs, only

495
00:38:46,760 --> 00:38:47,810
the titles.

496
00:38:47,840 --> 00:38:51,450
And you all must join in now, so that
you white people have got the rhythm.

497
00:38:51,960 --> 00:38:53,010
Here we go then.

498
00:38:53,700 --> 00:38:55,000
It's a long week.

499
00:38:55,450 --> 00:38:59,850
to temporary when the poppies bloom
again.

500
00:39:01,130 --> 00:39:07,570
Blue skies are around the corner, though
we're singing in the rain.

501
00:39:08,790 --> 00:39:15,310
Three coins in the fountain, it's a sin
to tell a lie.

502
00:39:16,710 --> 00:39:23,070
Over my shoulder goes one care and two
lovely black eyes.

503
00:39:24,970 --> 00:39:30,370
Red sails in the sunset underneath that
old street.

504
00:39:32,710 --> 00:39:38,210
Everything's behind me when we're
dancing cheek to cheek.

505
00:39:39,650 --> 00:39:45,490
South of the border to the north of
Kathmandu.

506
00:39:46,610 --> 00:39:49,710
I got a lovely bunch of coconut.

507
00:40:11,470 --> 00:40:15,030
at me roadside stall selling me fruit
and me vegetable.

508
00:40:15,430 --> 00:40:20,650
Me mangoes is big and circular and me
nuts is the best in Jamaica.

509
00:40:21,050 --> 00:40:23,350
Awesome and attractive customer.

510
00:40:23,930 --> 00:40:28,990
She look at me and I look at her. What
you got in the shape of a cucumber?

511
00:40:29,310 --> 00:40:31,470
She say and I say a banana.

512
00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:52,299
But I've no respect, you know, for the
quality of the goods on show. Up come

513
00:40:52,300 --> 00:40:56,819
this big woman in diamonds and pearls.
She squeezed me melons, so I squeezed

514
00:40:56,820 --> 00:41:02,200
hers. Don't give me all that stuff. Me
dem fancy clothes, you're big on top.

515
00:41:02,480 --> 00:41:04,680
What you like when you peel off?

516
00:41:05,000 --> 00:41:07,240
She say, and I say, a banana.

517
00:41:27,470 --> 00:41:32,109
She say to me, Johnny, you're a lazy
man. You're sitting in the sun and

518
00:41:32,110 --> 00:41:35,390
a tan. I'm here all alone and I've had
no tea.

519
00:41:35,590 --> 00:41:37,990
Been sitting on me own and getting
hungry.

520
00:41:38,390 --> 00:41:40,810
What you brought home to give to me?

521
00:41:41,050 --> 00:41:43,010
She say and I say about now.

522
00:42:30,550 --> 00:42:34,280
That's all we have time for tonight, but
before we go, here is the late news.

523
00:42:34,450 --> 00:42:39,709
A man who has lived for three months in
the London sewers was today held by

524
00:42:39,710 --> 00:42:41,690
police at arm's length for questioning.

525
00:42:44,030 --> 00:42:48,570
And Worcestershire's most famous
gardener, Fred Waterbutt, died this

526
00:42:48,571 --> 00:42:52,429
In his will, he has asked for his ashes
to be sprinkled on his beloved vegetable

527
00:42:52,430 --> 00:42:55,170
patch, lightly forked in at one ounce
and square yard.

528
00:42:58,730 --> 00:43:04,309
At Crystal Palace this evening, Neville
Stitch broke his own world record in the

529
00:43:04,310 --> 00:43:09,489
800 metres. He was so pleased he went on
to try the high hurdles, thinking they

530
00:43:09,490 --> 00:43:12,200
were the low hurdles, and shattered his
personal bet.

531
00:43:13,781 --> 00:43:21,729
And finally, the draw for next year's
Wimbledon doubles championship was made

532
00:43:21,730 --> 00:43:25,809
tonight. There will be a confused
opening round in which a woman and a man

533
00:43:25,810 --> 00:43:29,010
used to be a woman meets a man and a
woman who used to be a man.

534
00:43:29,011 --> 00:43:32,809
The winner of that match will play a man
who became a woman but is now a man

535
00:43:32,810 --> 00:43:35,760
again, partnered by a woman who's saving
up to be a ball boy.

536
00:43:43,650 --> 00:43:47,849
Next week, we'll be meeting the Irishman
who plans to cross the Atlantic on a

537
00:43:47,850 --> 00:43:50,450
plank when he can find one that's long
enough.

538
00:43:52,451 --> 00:43:57,389
Good night from me. And it's good night
from him. Good night.

539
00:43:57,390 --> 00:44:01,940
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